


Together

by gleeksfreaksandwannabes



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Aldertree is a dick, M/M, Post 2x09, Slight Canon Divergence, parabatai friendship, talks about what alec did in 2x08, trigger warning: self harm, trigger warning: suicidal thoughts, trigger warning: suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-02
Updated: 2017-03-02
Packaged: 2018-09-27 21:39:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,942
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10052390
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gleeksfreaksandwannabes/pseuds/gleeksfreaksandwannabes
Summary: Following the events of 2x08 and 2x09Alec had assured everyone he was fine after Max's party, but when Aldertree's threat about a psych evaluation becomes reality, Alec is forced to face the fact that maybe he isn't so fine after all, but he and Jace can handle anything together, right?





	

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys, so it's been a while, I know! I'm really sorry about that, but I promise you I'm still writing, it's just I'm writing longer stories now and they're taking a bit more time.  
> This one is just a little thing based off the last 2 episodes, because I'm really worried about about Alec's mental health this season, and I wanted to explore it, so enjoy!

"Hey," Alec looked up at Jace's voice as his parabatai entered the weapons room "Aldertree wants to see you," he fought the urge to roll his eyes; ever since Alec had confronted him about Izzy's Yin Fen addiction, he'd been skulking around the Institute with his tail between his legs, barking orders at insubordinates who were scared of him enough to actually listen. Anyone who knew what was good for them knew orders came from Alec these days,

"Did he say why?"

"No," Jace said in a tight voice "just that it was important," Alec scoffed,

"He can come find me if he wants me," he replied, going back to the arrow he was runing. Jace let out an almost inaudible breath, putting a hand on top of Alec's as he reached for another arrow. When Alec met his eyes, he saw that the usuall spark wasn't in them anymore. He was tired, they all were, but this was something else, something Alec couldn't quite put his finger on.

"Just go, Alec," he said finally "please?"

 

Aldertree was pacing in front of the fireplace in his office when Alec entered, tapping a pen against his little black book,

"You wanted to see me?"

"Ah, Alec!" he said, turning on his heel to face him "Good, you got my message. Have a seat," he indicated the leather couch and Alec sat. He waited for Aldertree to follow, but he remained standing, look at Alec down his nose. Alec wondered if he thought it made him look more superior or intimidating considering Alec was so much taller than him, it seemed like a scare tactic someone like Aldertree would use.

"You do remember our little chat the other day," he said, carrying on before Alec had a chance to respond "well, I decided I should submit you for that psych evaluation after all,"

"What?" Alec asked sharply "After everything with Izzy? I can tell the Clave what you did to her right now--"

"That hardly matters now," Aldertree said dismissively "the orders for your assessment came directly from Idris. Ever since Jace first disappeared, I've been sending progress reports on every mission, letting them know every single thing that happens in this Institute. After what happened at your brother's party, and with the threat of Valentine growing by the second the Clave can't have any soldiers getting... distracted."

"You think I did that on purpose?" Alec snapped "It was the magic, the hallucinations--"

"Nevertheless," Aldertree interrupted "the fact of the matter is you did intend to take your life on Magnus Bane's rooftop, and the Clave believes that your mental health and ability to do your job are at risk. Believe it or not, Alec, I didn't do this to spite you--"

"The hell you didn't!"

"Maryse!" Alec whipped around to see his mother entering the room, looking uncharacteristically small as she wrung her hands together "Perfect timing as always, if you could please tell your son what we're about to do, and we can get underway." his mother nodded, sitting down gingerly on the couch and facing him.

"Alec," she said gently "Victor and I are here to talk to you about what happened at Magnus' party, and about how withdrawn you've been lately. Jace said--"

"You spoke to Jace?" Alec asked sharply. No wonder his parabatai had looked so off before, he was guilty! He was the reason Alec's competency was being questioned!"

"Your brother was concerned about you--" Aldertree began. 

"I'm fine!" Alec snapped "whatever he told you isn't true--"

"Alec, please," Maryse pleased "we just want to talk, OK? We want to help you," she spoke calmly, as if she were placating a wild animal, as if he could be spooked at any moment. The thought made his blood boil, but he complied. His mother had enough to deal with, he wasn't going to be the cause of more pain for her. Taking a breath and releasing it slowly through his nose, Alec turned to face Aldertree,

"Fire away."

 

"Alright Alec," Aldertree was now seated on the coffee table opposite Alec and his mother on the couch, his pen poised over his black book as he leaned his elbows on his knees. Alec suspected he was going for a friendly vibe, like a school councilor who claimed they just wanted a chat, but he found it was more imposing on his personal space than anything else  
"The night of your brother's party at Magnus Bane's loft, tell us what happened when you spoke to Clary," Alec swallowed against the lump in his throat,

"She told me she had to leave." he got out "she said the sight of me so happy made her sick... because of what I'd done to her mother,"

"You didn't do anything," Maryse told him firmly "it was the demon," but Alec shook his head, his eyes downcast as he spoke again,

"Her voice kept following me - and then I was on the roof, and she was telling me no one would miss me if I was gone," his hand was aching, he realized dimly as Maryse explained the magic Iris had cast to Victor, and he realized he had been working his thumb into a spot on his palm as he'd talked. There was now a reddish purple welt just below where his thumb joined to his palm.

"Then I felt a warmth in my chest, around my heart... and Magnus was there--"

"Have you had any thoughts about ending your life before this?" Aldertree cut in, and Alec shook his head "Not even when you threw yourself into the path of the memory demon Magnus Bane summoned to retrieve Clary's memories of the Mortal Cup?" Maryse inhaled a tiny gasp of air, but Alec's eyes remained at the floor.

"No," he said in a low voice.

"Jace Wayland pushed you aside that night, correct?" Alec nodded "Do you feel indebted to him? He saved your life, after all,"

"We're parabatai," Alec said, looking up "that's what we do for each other,"

"And do you feel guilty for his arrest?" Aldertree asked "Do you feel it was was your fault he came out of hiding and we found him?" 

Alec felt a heaviness in his gut; it was true. If he had been stronger, if he had just waited, had more faith in Jace, none of this would have happened. If he hadn't used that damn stone...

"Victor," his mother warned, but Aldertree ignored her,

"What about Clary Fairchild? It's a well known fact you two never got along,"

"No, but--"

"And you believe it was your fault that Clary wanted to resurrect her mother--"

"I killed her," Alec mumbled.

"-- that she went to the warlock Iris Rouse, who escaped and is now doing Valentine's bidding."

"I killed her mother," Alec's hand was working at his palm even harder now, but the pain helped, it made his muddled thoughts shift into focus "I had to make it right, but I ruined everything, I shouldn't have trusted a warlock who could raise the dead, I should've known better."

"He was helping a grieving friend," Maryse said before turning back to Alec "sweet heart, it wasn't your fault," Alec lowered his eyes to the floor again, his thumb pushed against his palm, his nail pressing into the flesh there.

"Alec, you appear to he hurting your hand," Victor said, a condescending clarity in his words, as if Alec was having trouble understanding him "how long have you been doing that?"

"He's done it for as long as I can remember," Maryse said absently, watching her son carefully for a moment before placing her hands over his, stopping him.

"This isn't the first time you've harmed yourself, is it Alec?" Victor asked, and Alec felt his heart sink as Maryse turned to him sharply. She didn't know, and Victor was about to spill all his dirty little secrets.

"Jace tells me after the attack on the Institute you continued to use your bow even when your hands weren't fully healed, that you used it until the wounds from the attack opened up again, is this true?" Alec was silent, but his mother's shaky breath told him it was enough "he tells me Isabelle caught you using the punching bag in the training room with a still healing forsaken wound, and you insisted you were fine even though it was still causing you pain; you even used the bag without the proper strapping until your hands bled around the time you were due to marry Lydia Branwell,"

"Alec!" Maryse said breathlessly "Why didn't you tell us any of this?"

"It's nothing," Alec said firmly, looking up at Aldertree "and it's all in the past. If I tell you I'll never do it again, can I go?"

"No," Aldertree said "I'm sorry Alec, but given your multiple attempts to stave off healing and to injure yourself, and your two suicide attempts," Alec flinched, though whether it was from the weight of Aldertree's words or his mother gripping his hands tighter, he didn't know.

"I'm afraid you are deemed unfit to work until further notice, I'm removing you from field duty effective immediately, pending an official Clave healer's investigation. Maryse, if you could file the appropriate paperwork," his mother nodded and stood up to leave, but not before placing a gentle hand on his cheek and moving it to brush the hair from his eyes as she offered him a small smile.

"This is ridiculous!" Alec shot to his feet the minute they were alone, and Aldertree did the same "I'm fine!"

"Considering you've now got a file of mental health queries the size of the stack of paperwork you've got to file today, I'd say you're not." Aldertree took a threatening step closer "Congratulations Alec. You wanted to be the head of the Institute again, your first assignments are waiting on your desk in your office."

If Alec slammed Aldertree's door a little louder than necessary as he left his office, then that was nobody else's business. Besides, Aldertree would probably jot it down in his stupid black book anyway.

 

Alec found himself wandering the corridors aimlessly after his assessment; banned from field duty, all because of one insane warlock's spell!

But it wasn't because of the spell, he knew that. It was part of it, but Magnus had been right about fears and magic. 

The fear he felt, the sinking feeling that he'd done something irreversible - especially to Clary, who had done nothing but accept him, and who clearly loved his parabatai - was still there. The fear and guilt still ate at him every night, every time he saw Clary or Jace. 

Jace was his parabatai, and now Alec was the reason his mother was dead! He had destroyed everything for Jace, in the most awful way possible, and he had been powerless to stop it! He was weak, so weak...

"Hey," Jace said with a gentle knock "I thought I'd find you here," Alec blinked to find that his feet had brought him to the library. It was his favorite place in the entire Institute, because it was totally silent, whether he was exploring shelves upon shelves of precious volumes, settling down between shelves on the very top floor with his latest literary find, or curled up in front of the crackling fire in one of the cost green armchairs as he was now, he always found peace here.

"How did your talk with Aldertree go?" Jace asked, perching himself on the edge of the air chair opposite Alec's. Normally he would sprawl his body over the thing in whatever obscure position he found comfortable; that was the thing about Jace, he was always comfortable with drawing attention to himself, taking up as much room as he needed in whatever way he saw fit. 

Not like Alec, who was currently sat as far back in the chair as he could get, his long legs curled up under him and his shoulders hunched over, taking up as little room as possible...

Today, Jace was anything but comfortable. He sat on the very edge of the chair, his stele twirling between his fingers in a telltale nervous tick. He knew what Aldertree wanted when he came to get Alec, and Alec knew Jace wouldn't like to hear the details of their little chat,

"He gave me a psych evaluation," Alec said bluntly "said I'm not fit to work in the field until further notice,"

"What?" Jace sat up straighter "That's crap!"

"Oh I don't know," Alec knew he was being harsh, he could see it in the widening of his brother's eyes, but he didn't care, if they wanted to treat him like he was about to explode, he might as well act like it "it seems fair, considering you told him everything about me!" he felt a sick twist of victory at the way Jace shrunk down slightly "I trusted you, Jace!" he shouted, suddenly on his feet 

"What were you thinking? Izzy and I told you that stuff in confidence, you had no right to tell Aldertree!"

"I did if I thought it meant you might try and kill yourself again!" the words felt like a punch to the stomach, and Alec's heart sunk out of his chest as they hung in the silence between them, Jace's broken cry reverberating off the high ceilings and firing down at them like slap to the face.

"Jace, I--"

"I feel you, you know?" Jace said, his mismatched eyes bearing into Alec's own as they stood at eye level "I think sometimes you forget we're connected, but I feel your emotions, the strong ones almost as strong as if they were my own. Ever since Clary arrived they've been anger, sadness, hatred... I thought maybe being with Magnus would help, but while I was with Valentine it was like our bond was dying. I felt it flicker like a candle Alec, each time you felt like this I felt a sharp pain and I knew you were hurting, but I couldn't do anything to help you. And then you were dying and--" he took a breath, his hands trembling - he had abandoned the stele somewhere amongst the shouting - and he fought to keep them steady "and I prayed to the angel I would never have to feel that kind of pain again." 

Alec looked away, his stomach writhing nauseatingly; he had done this to his parabatai, he was the reason Jace was hurting so badly, because Alec couldn't put his emotions aside and get over what had happened, Jace was suffering. The voice in his head had been right, Jace would be better off without him...

"But you came back, Alec, and it was like everything was OK again, I thought we could finally get things back to the way you were and you'd be happy again, but then I got arrested. When I was in jail, that was the worst time I felt you, I felt all that pain you were forcing on yourself over Jocelyn, and I just wanted to scream at you, tell you it wasn't your fault. But nothing helped, you were hurting yourself, getting worse and worse, and then you were on that ledge and I wasn't even there to help you. I couldn't help you when you were up there, Alec, but I can try and help you now, because the last thing I'd ever want in this world is to lose you. Remember how when we became parabatai you said I wasn't afraid of anything?" Alec nodded; Jace had been cocky and confident from the moment they met, his fearlessness was what had attracted Alec to him in the first place 

"Well I am. I'm afraid of losing you. After that night, it became so much more real... if Magnus hadn't gotten there in time..." he cleared his throat, wiping at the tears that had begun to sting his eyes 

"Alec I can't lose you, especially not to this, not because I didn't do everything I could to help. But you have to let me in, we have to talk about this." That's the only way we're gonna make it through this, OK? Together." 

Alec felt his shoulders loosen slightly as Jace placed strong hands on his biceps; such a simple gesture, but it meant the world to him. Jace was holding him, metaphorically and physically, just like he always did. Jace, ever present, and ever supportive Jace, the only beacon of gold light leading the way through Alec's clouded and messed up world, and in that moment, Alec was incredibly grateful for him, for this moment, because it was a start.

"Ok," he said finally "I'm ready," 

Jace gave Alec's arms one final squeeze before turning, pushing his arm chair backwards and nodding for Alec to do the same. When they were done, Jace lead him to the tapestry-style rug in front of the fire, red and maroon with bottle green and gold angelic insignias throughout, where they both sat down opposite each other, their legs crossed and knees touching, just like when they were children. As the silence stretched on and Jace waited for a nervous Alec to start, he found his hand moving to hold the other, his thumb working into his other palm again, aggravating the mark that was already there.

"This may take a while," he said quietly, and his hands froze as Jace's came to rest on top of them, taking them both in his own and squeezing reassuringly.

"That's OK," he said gently "I've got all night,"


End file.
